Dear People Who Keep Pointing Out That My LJ Is the First Search Result for My Full Name,

Yes, it is NOW.

With some exasperation,

--m.

__

This is going to be my last statement on the outing unless it escalates past the point of Kathryn putting my name on her blog and Will attempting to put my name in the feministsf wiki and putting my name on his LJ and taking it off and putting it on and taking it off etc., equating pseudonymity to belonging to the KKK, and being outraged that I do not allow him to disagree with me in my own LJ. I have banned him and directed his emails to spam because I do not wish to talk to him. Remarkably, his behavior over the past several days has not made me any more eager to talk to him.

So when Will started sending me bitchy email about my not having said thank you for his having removed my last name from his blog and Kathryn said I owed her an apology because she only listed my full name in ONE wiki and she didn't realize I didn't want it there (even though it took five people arguing with her for her to stop) and didn't QUITE name me although she varied between my first name and my initials and "Mademoiselle" and "She Who Must Not BE Named" so it is COMPLETELY FALSE for me to say "Kathryn Cramer has been linking my LJ to my full name on wikis and in other people's blog comments"--

when they made these demands, I had to think about them. In the interests of behaving perfectly correctly and maintaining the moral high ground and speaking nothing but truth, *did* I owe them apologies?

And then I thought: You know, last year I made a post which might have outed a couple of fans by linking their LJ names to things they'd said at a con, and when someone pointed it out to me, my very first comment was a bullshit defensive comment. And then I realized it was a bullshit defensive comment and locked down the post and notified and apologized to the two people I might have endangered and apologized to the person I was defensive to and thanked her for pointing out my mistake.

And that's the thing. When you fuck up and hurt someone, your first response shouldn't be, "OHMYGOD HOW DARE YOU BE HURT, THANK ME FOR MAKING MINIMAL AMENDS," and if that's your first response, when you take a minute to think about it, your second response shouldn't be "AND IT'S ALL YOUR OWN FAULT FOR BEING STUPID ANYWAY." I'm willing to admit it was dumb of me to wander down those dark Internet alleys with my name on. But that still doesn't mean it was right for Will to knock me down accidentally or Kathryn to mug me, and Will *owed* me that hand back up, not shirtiness about my "upper class entitlement" for not saying thank you to him, and he had and has no right to decide that the lack of an apology means he's justified in whacking me over the head with a baseball bat.

I can't believe how much of this undying zombie RaceFail has come from people who would rather blow up the fucking Internet than admit they'd made a fucking mistake and apologize. Because nobody went into this hoping WS or KC or the NHs would act like assholes. People went into it granting them extra credit because they had good associations with their books or blogs. And they just burned it all on a pyre.

So no, Will Shetterly, I do not thank you for behaving with minimal (and I do mean minimal) human decency when I asked you politely and without assumption of malice to correct a mistake you'd made. No, Kathryn Cramer, I do not apologize to you, and by the way, I expect you have not bothered to disclose that you are married to a Tor editor AT PRESENT while harping on the fact that I was an Assistant Editor there for nine months THIRTEEN YEARS AGO because you are still under the delusion that this is taking place among a small circle of people who know and care who you are, and not because you are conscience-less hypocrite, but goddamn it does not make me think better of you or your solipsism.

You're both clearly getting off on the attention, and on the hope of my anger, fear, pain, and frustration. SO HERE IT IS. I'm angry, afraid, hurt, and frustrated. Get off on it, then get off. That's all you get from me.

I'm fucking done.